This is very well put, thank you - I've been trying to articulate just what upset me about that scene, beyond the fact of its being a rape, and you've done so perfectly.
The thing is, though, that I've read only the first book in the series, and found it rather a slog. I could feel Martin trying to get to some of the complex characterizations you describe here, but he was taking so bloody long about it. It felt as though he was constantly poking me, checking to see whether I was fooled yet, sufficiently outraged and disgusted by his characters so that he could pull the rug out from under me, when I just wanted him to get to it. Eventually, my reaction was "blow this for a game of soldiers, I'm going to read someone who can make his point in less than 800 pages." So one of the things I've really enjoyed about the TV series is how it's getting to that point right from the first scene. I think you see this most with Cersei. She's still a vicious person who kills children and puppies, but between Lena Heady's performance and the few scenes we've seen between her and Jamie (neither of whom have a point of view in the first book, as I recall) you also get a sense of how trapped she is, how much she hates her life with Robert, and how close she and Jamie are. When Bran catches them at the end of the first episode, it's both horrifying and perfectly understandable. So I think the television format has the potential to do a lot of the things you describe in this post.
But this only makes the change to Danearys and Drogo's story more perplexing. That's the one plot I liked in the first book - because it goes somewhere within those 800 pages - and it's the one the show seems determined to change. Judging by the second episode (spoilers if you haven't seen it) the show is going for the bodice ripper option, but with the extra twist that Danearys wins Drogo's heart by learning how to make love like a porn star, and I can't decide if that's a good or bad choice - on the one hand, it means that Danearys's rise starts from her choice to take control of her life, not her husband's accidental kindness, but on the other hand, it completely guts Drogo's character, who also just happens to be the only non-white named character.
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The thing is, though, that I've read only the first book in the series, and found it rather a slog. I could feel Martin trying to get to some of the complex characterizations you describe here, but he was taking so bloody long about it. It felt as though he was constantly poking me, checking to see whether I was fooled yet, sufficiently outraged and disgusted by his characters so that he could pull the rug out from under me, when I just wanted him to get to it. Eventually, my reaction was "blow this for a game of soldiers, I'm going to read someone who can make his point in less than 800 pages." So one of the things I've really enjoyed about the TV series is how it's getting to that point right from the first scene. I think you see this most with Cersei. She's still a vicious person who kills children and puppies, but between Lena Heady's performance and the few scenes we've seen between her and Jamie (neither of whom have a point of view in the first book, as I recall) you also get a sense of how trapped she is, how much she hates her life with Robert, and how close she and Jamie are. When Bran catches them at the end of the first episode, it's both horrifying and perfectly understandable. So I think the television format has the potential to do a lot of the things you describe in this post.
But this only makes the change to Danearys and Drogo's story more perplexing. That's the one plot I liked in the first book - because it goes somewhere within those 800 pages - and it's the one the show seems determined to change. Judging by the second episode (spoilers if you haven't seen it) the show is going for the bodice ripper option, but with the extra twist that Danearys wins Drogo's heart by learning how to make love like a porn star, and I can't decide if that's a good or bad choice - on the one hand, it means that Danearys's rise starts from her choice to take control of her life, not her husband's accidental kindness, but on the other hand, it completely guts Drogo's character, who also just happens to be the only non-white named character.