things that i have learned about rants

[hth]

Rule #1: don't write them.
Rule #2: see rule #1

Well, I told you I'd probably regret it in the morning, and I do. Not that I think I didn't have something valid to say -- actually, that's *why* I regret doing it.

The thing is that credibility is so much easier to squander than it is to build. I'm a pretty level-headed and rational person, most of the time, but -- just like I took the original poster's words out of all context and made that everything you know about her (hell, everything *I* know about her) -- now this one angry outburst of mine is out there, out of all context about me, and is all a lot of people have any reason to know about me. That I yelled and called people names. It doesn't really inspire people to give a damn who I am or what I think.

I've spent over ten hours now trying to respond to basically everyone who bothered to comment on the post, trying to add context and to demonstrate that, no, actually, I prefer serious conversation to screaming matches any day of the week. Right now I'm exhausted and stressed and depressed, because I know a few things about people, and I know that none of that really matters. It took me 5 minutes of being tired and pissy and careless to make a lot of people feel hurt and angry, when I could have gone to bed, gotten up, had breakfast, and spent 30 minutes on a post that would've said all the same things in a way that I wouldn't have had to feel ashamed of later. And I know it won't matter to anyone how hard I tried to be reasonable *after the fact* -- what they know about me now is that I'm a psycho bitch. That's always the part that people remember, you know? And I'm the same way -- there were some people who said things during the race debate recently that make me look at them differently now. And they're probably great people, and they probably said those things out of being hurt and angry, too, and they may well feel bad afterwards, too, but the nature of this kind of thing is, once the damage is done, it's pretty much done. That's now the first thing I think of when I think of them.

5 minutes to persuade people that you're the enemy. 10 hours doesn't undo it. Hell, I'm not sure 10 years undoes it; there's certainly no good way to trade on previous fandom capital, much as I'd like to. I'd love to be able to say, yeah, but look at all the times when I was reasonable and empathetic and I made my point in as fair-minded and well-qualified way as humanly possible, in all those other fandoms, all those other arguments. But who gives a damn? People who don't know me won't change their opinions of me because I say that, and I'd be insane to expect that they would. Even some of my oldest friends in fandom -- some people whose John/Rodney stories I've been a beta reader for -- have pretty much vanished on me over this, and if I can't expect those people to forgive me for having a temper fit in public, I can imagine the likelihood that the rest of the fandom will.

So, yeah. If you ever find yourself thinking that it will make you feel better to rant about whatever it is that upsets you, may I humbly suggest to you that, in fact, it could easily make you feel worse -- because of the real people you realize you have now hurt in turn, and also because in fandom, your name and your reputation is the capital that you have. Also, if you actually did have a point, and it was actually non-insane, it won't matter, because you will be interpreted in the worst possible light, because the first and largest thing that people will see is your hostility. They won't have any reason to give you the benefit of any doubt where there might have been confusion or misunderstandings, because they've already read you as hostile and ascribed that motive to everything you say. No amount of "but I didn't actually say that" matters, even if you didn't actually say that. That's what they heard, and you threw open the door to that version of reality yourself, by virtue of the kind of person you presented yourself as. You will not feel better.

I hope someone does a better job with this issue than I have, someday soon. There is real anger on every side of the issue, and other fandoms have torn themselves apart over this exact thing in the past. Over and over again in fandom, we fail to deal well with issues of power and inclusion; I'm the last in a long line of people who've failed to deal with it well.

Comments

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

We've all been there. This is a classy post, everything else will pass. Hang in there.

[xanphibian.livejournal.com]

I saw your point, and I know why you were ranting, and I chose to ignore it because I know you didn't mean it how it came across, and also that commenting with how it made me feel would just make you feel bad, and there were plenty of folks doing that as it was. I've ranted in the past and came across like an insane INSANE chick. It blows over. Unless you're planning on making a point of ranting about it in every single post from here on out, fandom will forgive. :)

[rachel-martin64.livejournal.com]

I thought your point was valid. I'm sorry you're being pilloried on Fandom Wank.

I felt like your originial rant was labeled properly and specific enough not to bash all J/R fans

[raveninthewind.livejournal.com]

After the fact, and from the sidelines as a nonparticpant in your last post's comments, I get the impression that the reaction of the McSheppers who felt unfairly tarred with the Fandom Meanie label were rather like the white fen, also in SGA, who got so defensive that possibly, unintentionally, institutional racism had maybe affected their writing or the stories that they liked. You hit a sensitive button precisely because the fact that while they might not have ever explicitly supported the views of the poster that raised your ire originally, there was possibly some truth in the McShep contingent feeling entitled and using their fannish power unfairly. IOW, if you hadn't hit the nail on the head, it would have just been a rant by a fan of an unpopular pairing whose feelings got hurt. The fact that others posted with the same experience means it is indeed a problem in this fandom that shouldn't be swept aside with dismissal of "oh, look, SGA fandom wank again". It's a valid topic to adresseven if a rant isn't the most politic way of starting a dialog. Having the perspective of years of fannish experience, like you, I think this something SGA fans shouldn't ignore.

[witchwillow.livejournal.com]

I feel the need to add a PS to the above statement with:

Remember that for people in Fandom_Wank, Wank is their fandom. And they're going to read subtext, supertext and sideways text into it, in order to have something to wank about.

[copracat]

So what's are the big OTPs in Wank? I believe that GCF (Group Cluster Fuck) is quite popular!

[glitterdemon.livejournal.com]

this is basically what i feel, though said better than i could probably manage. i'm (mostly) an outsider in sga... i've read several stories, mostly john/rodney, but that's mostly because that was all i could find and hey, there weren't any ships in particular that caught my interest, i just wanted sga fic. i know you by your writing in other fandoms, and i read the original rant, and while it was impassioned, i found nothing wanky in your arguments. feeling bad really is sort of a side effect of any argument where you care about the feelings of the person(s) you're arguing with. i've often felt sick to my stomach about it even when i've been as sure as i can be that my arguments were correct and that i presented them in the best way possible. so, point being, don't beat yourself up too bad about it. for what it's worth from a stranger. ;)

[witchwillow.livejournal.com]

I didn't think you were coming across as a pyscho_bitch. I thought you were frustrated and at the hair pulling, teeth grinding place where you wanted some respect as a non McShepper. And you found someone else's post hurtful and you responded to it, viscerally.

Then again, I'm coming from a place where it's a good thing to admit you're angry, not matter how unfair that anger might also seem to other people. You're angry, you feel it, you vent it, and then you figure out ways to stop being angry.

I'm sorrowed to think you feel hurt by expressing yourself and that you feel as if there's been damage to who you are as a person and a fannish personality.

from metafandom

[carmarthen.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm not in SGA fandom at all. So to me the whole thing looks like two people venting kind of hyperbolically. I can see why both sentiments might bother people. But I don't think you phrased yourself horribly or came off as a nutbar. The post seemed pretty non-attacky to me (maybe because I'm not in the fandom; I don't know).

Sure, there are more important things in life than fandom annoyances. But it's human nature to get worked up over non-important things sometimes.

Sometimes venting does help. Sometimes it makes things worse. I am trying to implement a new policy of posting rants private or flocked (depending on rant level) before deciding whether they should be public. That way I at least get the catharsis of getting the words out.

And I don't think fandom's memory is that long. Pretty much everyone in fandom says something they regret, or something that causes wank or personal attacks or whatever. Misunderstandings are easy on the internet. Most people do move on. And to a lot of people, handling the aftermath the way you did only says good things about you.

[ravenclaw-devi.livejournal.com]

(via metafandom)

Please don't feel bad. FWIW, your OR (original rant) didn't make me think you're a bitch - I was well able to understand that your point was "entitlement bitches suck," not "McSheppers, through the bank, suck and are oppressing the fans of smaller pairings."

[sangerin.livejournal.com]

(via metafandom)

I write f/f almost exclusively. So what you were saying about particular pairings in SGA (a fandom I know nothing about), resonated with me in terms of the way I experience fandom as an f/f writer in a sea of m/m. I thought it was a justified rant, and I wish I'd said so on your previous post.

Rants happen. We're all bad at dealing with them. We all need to think about getting better about dealing with the fact that other opinions exist. (I really mean that we all do: and I know for a fact that I need to get better in this area). Whether it's fandom or politics or religion or whatever.

[galadhir.livejournal.com]

If it's any consolation, I saw your original post on metafandom and thought 'yes, that's exactly how it feels. I know totally where you're coming from.' (In a different fandom.) But because I've learned myself that it doesn't do any good to say so, I didn't say so. I admire you for trying.

The consolation is really that fandom is not very important. People who liked you for yourself will still like you, and those who were only along for the ride because they thought you were popular were never what you'd call good friends anyway.

[parisntripfan.livejournal.com]

Here via meta-fandom

I have to agree with most of your comments about rants. I am not saying that people shouldn't post rants, particularly about topics that drive them batty, but I do think that people shouldn't post them while they are still angry. After all this is fandom. There is nothing that is so timely that you can't wait twelve to twenty-four hours to reflect on what you have just typed. This is particularly true when the topic matters to you. A well reasoned meta will do more for your "side" (for lack of a better term) then a profanity laced rant.

One of the problems with internet in general is that people do write something in the heat of the moment and then post it only to regret a few hours later. It can also be difficult to tell the tone of the post that started the rant. Was the poster serious or sarcastic? It is not always easy to tell, unless you know that person. Again, a few hours cooling off period might be able to help.

[ramdonomo.livejournal.com]

Rule #1: don't write them.
Rule #2: see rule #1

I disagree wholeheartedly. Rant. RANTY McRANTERSON away. It's not like you ranted in HER journal. I don't care if what you read elsewhere was personal journal or community. Bringing it back to YOUR journal and having at it (especially since you didn't name names) is perfectly fine.

Plus? I agree with what you said.

Fandom is fandom is fandom.

The problem with fandom, the SG:A fandom(s) in particular, is that people try to act like it's all one fandom. There are the slashers, the plotters, the genners, the shippers and in all of that? You have the SUB-fandoms. And everyone should go along their own merry way.

So, you go on with your bad self. And don't apologize for what you write in your journal. Seriously.

[seekergeek.livejournal.com]

Yep, it sucks being human. Here, have a cookie. *extends bag of Oreos*

[zillah975]

Well, I don't know you, but from these two posts you seem sane and nice, if occasionally ranty, to me. And I've got nothing against ranty. And I know I read at least one SGA story by you - was it a Ronon/Rodney, maybe? I commented, but I can't remember where it was now. Anyway, I had been thinking of friending you anyway for the awesome writing, so I - oh my god you're in Durham? I'm in Raleigh and work in Morrisville across from the outlet mall. We should do coffee sometime if I can ever carve more than twenty minutes to myself out of a day. :/

Anyway, shall add you to my flist. No worries about friending back - I mostly post random Supernatural squee and the occasional vent about work or family stuff or politics, not much of interest. :)

[tyrical.livejournal.com]

Ok here's the deal...

If you state it is a rant then a certain amount of leeway should be given.

The flip side of the coin is that some people don't care if you were just pissed off at time and are speaking in anger.

As it is the Stargate fandom has been taking a pounding and I'm sure many of the fandom are extra touchy right now.

I think the ability you are showing to admit that you hurt someone or someones is the best thing to come out of all this rant. More than I like a good writer I like a good person you seem to epitomize both.

[okelay.livejournal.com]

i usually flock rants.

well, i just read about it on f_w, and i read the post that set you off, and your own, and i must day, i agree with you.

i'm a sparky shipper. have been since ep 1.
and i don't like mcshep at all. i love john, but i just cant seem to like rodney. he's a decent character and i understand his value, but i just done like him.
i don't like seeing in almost every sga community i am a part of . i dont like that when friends of mine who dont watch the show describe it all they can say is that people ship john and rodney.

so,yeah, i understand. it seems incredibly stupid to whine over possibly seeing a few fics of a pairing you don't like when you're part of the pairing that dominates fandom completely.

its like if,in the x-files fandom, i'd whine about seeing a couple mulder/krycek fic when 95% of xfiles fiction is mulder/scully.

it's silly, it's inmature, and it makes me wanna scream "shut the fuck up"

i probably hadn't heard about this cause it's been a while since i've checked the 'stargate' fandom in my flist.

as a j/e, i find it much easier, comfortable and safe, to stay in my commm, john_elizabeth and at the most, venture to au!comms such as langford_u ,west_gate or wildwest_lantis where 9 out 10 post arent about a mcshep fic.

ive made this kinda mistake,too.

so dont beat yourself up.
piece of advice, if you wanna rant, friends-lock. much safer.