SGA fic: Breathe You Deep

[hth]

Breathe You Deep
by Hth

109k
various pairings
it's gen, it's het, it's slash, it's a floor wax!
Summary: Cold and flu season, like many other things, sucks more in space.
Warnings: A for Angst. The astute reader will notice that I hardly ever warn for angst, and might then imagine I mean rather a *lot* of angst. That's your warning. All sales final.

Special thanks to cesperanza for beta ("You're at about an eight, and I need you at about a four...") and as per usual to marythefan for encouragement and general evil ("What, you think I'm going to tell you *not* to do it?")

"You’re standing here telling us that half the galaxy, not to mention our friends, could fall over dead by Christmas, and you’re bringing us what, exactly, to deal with this problem? Amoxicillin and chicken soup?"

Comments

[sobelle.livejournal.com]

Devastating on so many levels... the obvious emotional aspect but deeper still into considerations of plague and contagion we carry and indeed what we might meet.

Words and characterizations rang well too... and just heartbreaking...

[noneeca.livejournal.com]

oh crap. this just hurts to read, in a very emotional and omgno kind of way. it's so... realistic, and beautiful, and i have very few words to actually express how great this piece of writing is.

i didn't cry until John read the 'stop all the clocks' part. then i bawled. gah. beautiful.

[urbanoceanix.livejournal.com]

That was amazing.
Felt absolutely *right*. Of course that would happen.
Thank you.

[mangst.livejournal.com]

Oh, fuck. I wasn't expecting that. God, my chest hurts. And I think it hits so hard because that is a very real danger. As you stated in the story its in our history, and it will be in our future. Even if not on an intergalactic scale. Teyla's, its to powerful to just call it anger, emotions were heartbreaking. Her fury burned away any love she had left. At least for the Atlantians. Her people can't even go anywhere else, they'll infect other worlds. And Ronon. And Rodney. Just, God.

[etben.livejournal.com]

OK, so it's official: I hate you, for values of 'hate'='envy and love and admiration and insane, flailing glee'.

I'm making that stupid "not going to cry, no, really, I'm not, I promise, I'm just scrunching up my nose and grimacing because—because—because it makes me look cute. It does make me look cute, doesn't it? I think it makes me look cute. My ex-boyfriend said it made me look cute. What, you don't think it makes me look cute? You BASTARD!" face.

Um. The thing I just tangented away from was this: I love this story, but right now? I'm going to the corner store to buy ice cream and attempt to forget the fact that you KILLED RONON, and that I loved the story ANYWAY.

...I think the moral of this story involves me being your bitch, and you know? I am remarkably OK with that.

[monkeypumpkin.livejournal.com]

Wow, crying. A lot.

[ratcreature]

This was so sad and cruel! *sniffle*

[emma-in-oz.livejournal.com]

I made the mistake of reading this when I was depressed. Then I cried. A lot.

Well written, very emotive. Sort of thing that sends you off to the therapist.

[ravensilverwing.livejournal.com]

I hate you I hate this story and I bloody well HATE my random music!!! At least I mean that no I don't hate this story or you, I just hate that it made me cry because the part when Ronon...and my stupid fucking computer just HAD to put on Rob Thomas All that I am and yeah...balling...and if you don't know the song then damn...it's probably all for the best and last night when I got to this exact spot I stopped and put it down and went to bed cause I just couldn't bare the though and yah stupid I know but damnit you really are a fantastic writer and I envy and so don't hate and okai I'm going to go and actually finish the damn thing now...as soon as the stupid song Stops.

[ravensilverwing.livejournal.com]

If I read the word Ronon one more time and don't cry I think I may actually be happy.

Alas I finally finished this and so many people have said so many of the things I'm thinking...mainly you're very brave for killing RONON!!! *takes a breath* and for not making it a happy ending in which...that person comes magically back to life and the flu just vanishes in a swirl of Carson genius or hell even Rodney genius...

And now...apart from being disgustingly glad it's all over and that I DIDN'T read the end at Work I'm going to bury myself in Ronon fic and remind myself that as heartbreakingly beautifully realistic (all in all within the SGA universe of course) this is it's Just a Story.

[the-star-fish.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow, that was painful. *snif* Thank you so much for not taking the easy way out - any of them.

okay

[kormantic.livejournal.com]

I had a heads up from you personally going into this, and it still hit me like a sucker punch. I didn't cry, which is strange, because generally this sort of thing makes me sob all over myself, but it did give me nightmares, so-- strong reaction garnered, check. (Note to self: don't read potentially demoralizing stories at bedtime.) I think the eerie all-too-possible horror of the story really weighed on me, and the early, sweet grace notes of John and Teyla's balcony scene and "phone-foolin'" only made it that much more real, and therefore awful. You also succeeded in doing something I wouldn't have believed possible: you gave me a Carson I liked enough to actually believe and like Cadman with-- and that whole scene with them was superb. God, Ronon in bed teasing John about the needle, Rodney refusing to go to see him because it's fucking ridiculous and man, it IS, Rodney risking death in his own Rodneyish way to smuggle John in some orange juice-- and yet refusing to visit poor, shorn, longing Ronon and jesus, Teyla and her people choosing death behind door number one and/or two, because the people on the mainland had had no choice at all, and because it was "not the death Teyla'd promised them".

Well holy sweet goddamn, man.

[feisteey.livejournal.com]

To be honest, I am not exactly sure how I found my way here. But I am never leaving!!

Excellent story! Now if you'll excuse me I need to find some kleenex.

[the-girl-sleuth.livejournal.com]

I have to wonder whether this was the fic that "Thirteen O'Clock," prefaced, because if it is, it becomes that much more painful. I loved your Teyla, serene and thoughtful, until her people are threatened, at which point she embraces the "burn it down (literally), and salt the earth" ethos. Your Ronan has become canon Ronan (in my head), and your Teyla might become my canon Teyla. Wonderful take no prisoner storytelling.

[justabi.livejournal.com]

See, this is how my thought process goes: Balcony scenes and Romeo and Juliet references = nothing good can come of this, it will end in death and heartbreak and the only reason for the romance in the first place is so that *my* heart will break at the end with the smashing of first love to smitherines.

So, that? Not so much a heart breaker.

On the other hand, Ronon lighting up for Rodney, telling him about where he wants to be burried, that he loves him, this? This killed me. This? Made me cuddle my puppy for half an hour.

[j00j.livejournal.com]

Oh, god. This was devastating, and all-too-plausible given the SG folks' bullheadedness (with a side order of colonialism), not to mention the considerations of, you know, actual science. You tell a damned good story, though you've broken my heart a bit with this one.

OMFG

[krysalys.livejournal.com]

You broke my fucking heart with this one, hon.
And with all the sllergy problems I'm having right now, I so didn't need to cry and screw up my sinuses even more.
That said, this was fucking beautiful in its sadness... and tenacity. I wonder if any of the Athosians will survive this plague upon them, and if so, will they be allowed to leave Atlantis?
I totally understand Teyla's reaction to not being told about her people. Still, rent the heart asunder at how her and John's relationship was another of the casualties of this sickness.
Wonderfully done. It took me awhile into the story to get emotionally invested in who was dying from this, but when you had Rodney finally come visit Ronon in the Infirmary... that's when it really hit me. Kinda like how it did for Rodney.
Excellent.
Oh, and this? Funniest line ever!
"Whatever," John said. "You touched orange juice for me. You’re so hot for me."

"My boyfriend could break your neck with his toes."
HOWL!!!
----}-@

[mrshamill.livejournal.com]

What a beautifully written, fabulous story. The plausibility of it all was almost breathtaking, the idea of the 'peaceful explorers' bringing such death with them, all unwitting. It's the things like this that we always regret the most, isn't it? The unintended deaths. Yes, uh-huh, we murdered umty-ump in warfare today in BacksideOfHell, Middle East, boo-yeah for us! But then a baby in Papua New Guinea dies of chicken pox, brought to her by an unwitting grad student, and the world (or at least the college) mourns.

The bits of levity made this story even more heartbreaking. Rodney was so perfect I was amazed, as was Teyla. I loved Carson and Laura together and could just see him bringing her home to mum.

Thank you for this lovely story.

[cesperanza.livejournal.com]

John wasn’t sure that even if you were good with this kind of thing, there was really anywhere to go after "when I look at you, all I see is death."

Wow. When you write a climax, you don't fuck around. That's the money shot from hell--fantastic and absolutely all too right about John Sheppard, poor bastard.

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

This was beautiful. Your characterisation is spot on, even dealing with a situation and relationships far away from what we've seen.

Anyway, I cried, and I'm not even feeling particularly hormonal this week.

[sandalstrap.livejournal.com]

Oh my god. Beautiful and relentless. I don't want to cry, and I don't want to curse, and I don't want to save this to my jump drive and take it home to wallow in, but -

Oh, hell.

Pandemic. Of course there's not going to be a happy ending, rationally, and the part of me that is still *rational* and curious and logical loves that you kept this so real, so brutal and vivid and unstoppably believable, Because, hello?!? YES, this is what contact with other peoples would result in, did result in, and how much do I love that you brought up the Americas - I, oh, god. Forgive the run-on. I don't know how you could handle going there. I hate that you wrote this, but I thank you, too. This story just rocked me.

[buzzylittleb.livejournal.com]

Argh. My throat has all closed up. I think I'm going to cry, damn you.

not fair not fair not fair

And just as it should be.

[linabean.livejournal.com]

Hi, there. Because of my unfortunate and irrational leaving-feedback issues, I've owed you repsonses to your wonderful SGA stories for a long time.

But now that we've got canon evidence that traveling through the Stargate doesn't kill off infectious germs, I feel like, whatever my issues, I really have to leave you feedback on this story in particular.

When you'd first posted it, a friend of mine asked if I'd read it yet, and when I said I hadn't, we had this conversation:

Her: dude, okay, the Daedalus brought the cold.
Her: and then RONON GOT SICK.
Her: and then the ATHOSIANS got SICK.
Her: and then RONON DIED.
Her: in like, THREE WEEKS.
Me: WHAT.
Her: and he and Rodney had just gotten together and were REALLY HAPPY.
Her: and then a whole bunch of the Athosians died!
Me: and Rodney invents a time machine?
Her: and then John liked Teyla, but basically she was all "you killed most of my people and I just see DEATH WHEN I SEE YOU, BYE!"
Me: I have to say, that's a good break-up line. You can't really argue with that.
Her: and Ronon was all--in a CHEST TUBE, and they cut his HAIR and Rodney wouldn't BELIEVE IT
Her: oh my god, it was so sad.
Her: Rodney wouldn't believe it and wouldn't visit him at first.
Her: and Ronon was just GOOGLY WITH LOVE for him.
Me: Oh God, Ronon *would* be. Sarcastic and googly
Me: GODDAMMIT, why would you do that to the characters when you could make them be sex slaves for each other!
Her: well--it was by Hth, so--
Me: oh. Oh, I guess I'll have to read it, then.

And I'm so glad I did!

Actually, I'm glad I was spoiled first, too. I can see where some people would like the devastating impact of being surprised in this story--because you do the devastating so *well* here--but I think if I hadn't known what to expect, I would've been anxiously looking ahead to the end instead of appreciating everything as it was unfolding.

And you let things unfold so well that I'm glad I was able to pay attention to them. It's often really hard for me to see John letting himself fall for someone, but it seemed so natural and right here--I could really see why he'd feel so lucky to have Teyla--and it was so poignant to know how badly opening himself up to someone would turn out. (It was also interesting to think about how that compared to how badly the expedition's effects on the Athosians have turned out.) And Teyla's actions and responses made perfect sense too--I completely believed her being in love with John, and I completely understood all the other things going on around her becoming so much bigger than romantic love for one man.

And, gahhh. Ronon and Rodney. I just love the way you write them together, and I completely believed their being in love, too. Even with the spoilers, I was anxious about Rodney taking so long to go visit him! (That also seemed like a very plausible reaction on his part.) And then when Rodney was finally by Ronon's bedside, I loved the references to what I assume is the prequel (which I also loved), when Ronon made Rodney tea and called him brave and they talked about how they'd keep fighting, you know, as long as--and now Ronon can't breathe! I--! THIS IS REALLY SAD, OKAY.

Really, I think maybe what *really* got to me was the inadequacy of how Rodney could express his grief: he ends up lifting a poem from a movie--and a nice poem, to be sure, but one full of cultural references that couldn't have really meant anything to Ronon. And, for all that, his grief and love still come through as so genuine and affecting.

And, even through the deadly epidemic and all, your touches of comedy were, as always, very funny. There were some great lines here. ('"I'm so perfect for her," John said smugly.' Oh, poor Sheppard! Poor Teyla and her people! Well, it was funny at *that point* in the story.)

So, right. Thanks so much for sharing the story! I really was glad to read it.

(incidental stuff not fitting in the first post)

[linabean.livejournal.com]

Incidentally, feel free to skip this part, since it's not feedback, per se, and isn't necessarily interesting. But--and, hey, speaking of poetry--shortly before I'd read your story, I'd been thinking about how some poems could apply really well to Teyla and Ronon in Atlantis, under the right circumstances. And then it turned out the circumstances in your story matched up, I thought, really well with the poems I'd looked at for Teyla.

They're by Anna Akhmatova, one an excerpt from "Requiem" and the other an untitled poem, and while they're a lot better in Russian, where they've got rhyme and meter and all that, I think they're still pretty good in English.

* * * *
No, not under the vault of alien skies,
And not under the shelter of alien wings--
I was with my people then,
There, where my people, unfortunately, were.

* * * *
I am not with those who abandoned their land
To the lacerations of the enemy.
I am deaf to their coarse flattery,
I won't give them my songs.

But to me an exile is forever pitiful,
Like a prisoner, like a sickpatient.
Dark is your road, wanderer,
The bread of strangers smells of wormwood.

But here, in the blinding smoke of the conflagration
Destroying the remains of youth,
We have not deflected from ourselves
One single blow.

And we know that in the final accounting,
Each hour will be justified...
But there is no people in the world more tearless
More simple and proud than us.

[droolfangrrl.livejournal.com]

Been reading your archives.

Read this one.

You made me cry darn you.

[lamaudite.livejournal.com]

Okay, went to bed with this one, figuring, I'll just start it, tease myself, get a taste... of course, once I began I couldn't put it down and now it's past 3am and I'm up because I can't sleep. You just ripped my heart out!

So poignant. So real. And damn, more than once I thought on how they were all so damn lucky about things like colds and flus...

Poor Teyla. Poor John. Poor Rodney. And most of all, poor Ronon. He could have died a thousand spectacular, brave and heroic deaths...

[lavonne1980.livejournal.com]

For an obvious statment... John should have listened to Rodney and Liz when they said to tell Teyla. Well duh... of course she saw it as a betrayal. Now for the rant... you killed Ronon. -sniff, screams, storms off- I had to pause when I got to them coming and telling Rodney. People seem to forget that something so simple killed millions of people years ago. We take for granted that a little rest, some orange juice, and chicken noodle soup with a liberal dose of night quil. And that things as trivial as a "common cold" still can cause serious harm and death to those that have never come in contact with it. You did a wonderful job of telling the story and reminding us of how fragile life is. I loved it. Of course if ever they decided to kill off Rodney or Ronon I would have to stop watching SGA.

[hth-the-first.livejournal.com]

Well duh... of course she saw it as a betrayal.

One of the things I love to do in a story is to find the ways where the regular traits of the characters could become dangerous or trip them up in some way, and a lot of this story was kind of about that for Sheppard: how all the ways he tries to protect his people could actually be bad things. I think the thing about Teyla is that Sheppard's betrayal of her is in the way he's never really able to deal with her as an equal, any more than the Atlanteans have ever dealt with the Athosians (or any other Pegasus civilization) as equals. The more he loves her, the more he wants to kind of paternalistically seal her up and protect her from everything, rather than respect the autonomous relationship she has with her friends and everything that's going on around her. I always thought it was sad that she never even got to say goodbye to Ronon; John takes that away from her, too -- and all with the best of intentions. That always seems to be the way things go wrong, you know?

I did kill Ronon -- but only because he's my favorite! Like so many writers, I'm always hardest on the characters I like most. *g* Well, the joy of fanfiction is that everything is only temporary. No matter what horrible thing I do to any of them, they'll all be back next Friday, just the way we know and love them!

Anway, thanks very much for the feedback!