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Rule #1: don't write them.
Rule #2: see rule #1
Well, I told you I'd probably regret it in the morning, and I do. Not that I think I didn't have something valid to say -- actually, that's *why* I regret doing it.
The thing is that credibility is so much easier to squander than it is to build. I'm a pretty level-headed and rational person, most of the time, but -- just like I took the original poster's words out of all context and made that everything you know about her (hell, everything *I* know about her) -- now this one angry outburst of mine is out there, out of all context about me, and is all a lot of people have any reason to know about me. That I yelled and called people names. It doesn't really inspire people to give a damn who I am or what I think.
I've spent over ten hours now trying to respond to basically everyone who bothered to comment on the post, trying to add context and to demonstrate that, no, actually, I prefer serious conversation to screaming matches any day of the week. Right now I'm exhausted and stressed and depressed, because I know a few things about people, and I know that none of that really matters. It took me 5 minutes of being tired and pissy and careless to make a lot of people feel hurt and angry, when I could have gone to bed, gotten up, had breakfast, and spent 30 minutes on a post that would've said all the same things in a way that I wouldn't have had to feel ashamed of later. And I know it won't matter to anyone how hard I tried to be reasonable *after the fact* -- what they know about me now is that I'm a psycho bitch. That's always the part that people remember, you know? And I'm the same way -- there were some people who said things during the race debate recently that make me look at them differently now. And they're probably great people, and they probably said those things out of being hurt and angry, too, and they may well feel bad afterwards, too, but the nature of this kind of thing is, once the damage is done, it's pretty much done. That's now the first thing I think of when I think of them.
5 minutes to persuade people that you're the enemy. 10 hours doesn't undo it. Hell, I'm not sure 10 years undoes it; there's certainly no good way to trade on previous fandom capital, much as I'd like to. I'd love to be able to say, yeah, but look at all the times when I was reasonable and empathetic and I made my point in as fair-minded and well-qualified way as humanly possible, in all those other fandoms, all those other arguments. But who gives a damn? People who don't know me won't change their opinions of me because I say that, and I'd be insane to expect that they would. Even some of my oldest friends in fandom -- some people whose John/Rodney stories I've been a beta reader for -- have pretty much vanished on me over this, and if I can't expect those people to forgive me for having a temper fit in public, I can imagine the likelihood that the rest of the fandom will.
So, yeah. If you ever find yourself thinking that it will make you feel better to rant about whatever it is that upsets you, may I humbly suggest to you that, in fact, it could easily make you feel worse -- because of the real people you realize you have now hurt in turn, and also because in fandom, your name and your reputation is the capital that you have. Also, if you actually did have a point, and it was actually non-insane, it won't matter, because you will be interpreted in the worst possible light, because the first and largest thing that people will see is your hostility. They won't have any reason to give you the benefit of any doubt where there might have been confusion or misunderstandings, because they've already read you as hostile and ascribed that motive to everything you say. No amount of "but I didn't actually say that" matters, even if you didn't actually say that. That's what they heard, and you threw open the door to that version of reality yourself, by virtue of the kind of person you presented yourself as. You will not feel better.
I hope someone does a better job with this issue than I have, someday soon. There is real anger on every side of the issue, and other fandoms have torn themselves apart over this exact thing in the past. Over and over again in fandom, we fail to deal well with issues of power and inclusion; I'm the last in a long line of people who've failed to deal with it well.
Rule #2: see rule #1
Well, I told you I'd probably regret it in the morning, and I do. Not that I think I didn't have something valid to say -- actually, that's *why* I regret doing it.
The thing is that credibility is so much easier to squander than it is to build. I'm a pretty level-headed and rational person, most of the time, but -- just like I took the original poster's words out of all context and made that everything you know about her (hell, everything *I* know about her) -- now this one angry outburst of mine is out there, out of all context about me, and is all a lot of people have any reason to know about me. That I yelled and called people names. It doesn't really inspire people to give a damn who I am or what I think.
I've spent over ten hours now trying to respond to basically everyone who bothered to comment on the post, trying to add context and to demonstrate that, no, actually, I prefer serious conversation to screaming matches any day of the week. Right now I'm exhausted and stressed and depressed, because I know a few things about people, and I know that none of that really matters. It took me 5 minutes of being tired and pissy and careless to make a lot of people feel hurt and angry, when I could have gone to bed, gotten up, had breakfast, and spent 30 minutes on a post that would've said all the same things in a way that I wouldn't have had to feel ashamed of later. And I know it won't matter to anyone how hard I tried to be reasonable *after the fact* -- what they know about me now is that I'm a psycho bitch. That's always the part that people remember, you know? And I'm the same way -- there were some people who said things during the race debate recently that make me look at them differently now. And they're probably great people, and they probably said those things out of being hurt and angry, too, and they may well feel bad afterwards, too, but the nature of this kind of thing is, once the damage is done, it's pretty much done. That's now the first thing I think of when I think of them.
5 minutes to persuade people that you're the enemy. 10 hours doesn't undo it. Hell, I'm not sure 10 years undoes it; there's certainly no good way to trade on previous fandom capital, much as I'd like to. I'd love to be able to say, yeah, but look at all the times when I was reasonable and empathetic and I made my point in as fair-minded and well-qualified way as humanly possible, in all those other fandoms, all those other arguments. But who gives a damn? People who don't know me won't change their opinions of me because I say that, and I'd be insane to expect that they would. Even some of my oldest friends in fandom -- some people whose John/Rodney stories I've been a beta reader for -- have pretty much vanished on me over this, and if I can't expect those people to forgive me for having a temper fit in public, I can imagine the likelihood that the rest of the fandom will.
So, yeah. If you ever find yourself thinking that it will make you feel better to rant about whatever it is that upsets you, may I humbly suggest to you that, in fact, it could easily make you feel worse -- because of the real people you realize you have now hurt in turn, and also because in fandom, your name and your reputation is the capital that you have. Also, if you actually did have a point, and it was actually non-insane, it won't matter, because you will be interpreted in the worst possible light, because the first and largest thing that people will see is your hostility. They won't have any reason to give you the benefit of any doubt where there might have been confusion or misunderstandings, because they've already read you as hostile and ascribed that motive to everything you say. No amount of "but I didn't actually say that" matters, even if you didn't actually say that. That's what they heard, and you threw open the door to that version of reality yourself, by virtue of the kind of person you presented yourself as. You will not feel better.
I hope someone does a better job with this issue than I have, someday soon. There is real anger on every side of the issue, and other fandoms have torn themselves apart over this exact thing in the past. Over and over again in fandom, we fail to deal well with issues of power and inclusion; I'm the last in a long line of people who've failed to deal with it well.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-24 01:06 am (UTC)From: (Anonymous)